[interlude]
Oct. 15th, 2023 11:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
onthewillowsthereLaurel keeps to himself.
During the day, Claudius is generally gone. For the most part, this doesn't bother him, although some small hungry part of him wishes it were different (a part that could listen to Claudius' every word, that would be happy never to leave his side). They're both adults, albeit with wildly different experiences of this place that contains them. They can have their own affairs.
He reads the dossier, of course. This is because it was a mark of trust for Claudius to give him the key, and because he would like to understand how Claudius thinks. His own mind is sometimes confounding to him -- he has thoughts, turns of phrase, occasional flashes of memory, lines of verse, that are mysterious to the person he is now. Claudius seems certain of his mind. Laurel would like to know what that is like, on the page.
For the most part the dossier is in regards to people he doesn't know. Jasin Natael, Janet, Annie, Nightingale. Mysteries. Others he recognizes. Shen Qingqiu, the man who held him in the aftermath of the fire. Laertes-- he of course knows Laertes (he should find him and apologize, except that he's still afraid to hurt him any further, and he feels ashamed of how he treated him). Crowley's entry makes him cringe -- he hadn't realized Claudius and Crowley were good friends. Does Claudius know that Laurel killed him? Laurel hasn't said anything yet -- it's one thing for Claudius to know him dangerous and another to know him a murderer, and whenever he tries to say the words I killed someone even to himself bile chokes his throat.
He doesn't know Sagramore, whose entry makes his face blaze with embarrassment and envy (he allows himself to imagine some of the things Claudius has written, and has to go stand in cold water until he can master himself). He accepted Claudius' words about not being all his without really understanding what that meant, and now that he does understand he thinks he hates it, but what right has he to go back on his agreement now? Still, he very dearly hopes he doesn't ever meet this Sagramore.
He saves the entry on himself for last, as if there will be some secret there that might change the world, but of course there isn't. He studies it, searching for some understanding of who Galahad is, but it doesn't come. He's grateful to have caught Claudius' attention, grateful to have stood out in some way. He understands that Galahad rejected Claudius, but he doesn't understand why. Something about purity that makes no sense. Something about the God Claudius spoke of. Something that itches in the back of his mind so close he thinks he could scratch it open if he tried, and yet--
In the end he puts the dossier away, feeling not much wiser for having read it.
For the next while, reading takes up much of his time when he's alone. He stays in Claudius' rooms, often wears his clothes, and ventures out only to make food for himself and gather more books. He's been naive, and he should understand more about the world. Perhaps he can read enough to do that. The library has endless choices -- books on fashion and fashionable clothing, cooking, histories of places he's never heard of, the mechanisms of the world and how they function, what math is, the lineage of animals, natural history, magic, ciphers like the ones Claudius inscribed in the pages of the dossier. Once he finds one that teaches how to understand expressions and body language, and he devours it, understanding that these things don't come naturally to him (even though he doesn't think himself much better at it after reading the book).
It's not a bad way to pass the time. Easy to make sure he doesn't cross Crowley's path this way, easy to avoid all the people he's afraid to hurt. He wants to look for Luo Binghe and learn more about the fire and what it means to be a demon, but Luo Binghe told him to master his emotions first, and he doesn't know how to so that. Perhaps there's a book with those answers too.
Perhaps there's a way he can read himself into understanding what his life will be, if he looks hard enough. Perhaps--
He keeps to himself, and reads.
During the day, Claudius is generally gone. For the most part, this doesn't bother him, although some small hungry part of him wishes it were different (a part that could listen to Claudius' every word, that would be happy never to leave his side). They're both adults, albeit with wildly different experiences of this place that contains them. They can have their own affairs.
He reads the dossier, of course. This is because it was a mark of trust for Claudius to give him the key, and because he would like to understand how Claudius thinks. His own mind is sometimes confounding to him -- he has thoughts, turns of phrase, occasional flashes of memory, lines of verse, that are mysterious to the person he is now. Claudius seems certain of his mind. Laurel would like to know what that is like, on the page.
For the most part the dossier is in regards to people he doesn't know. Jasin Natael, Janet, Annie, Nightingale. Mysteries. Others he recognizes. Shen Qingqiu, the man who held him in the aftermath of the fire. Laertes-- he of course knows Laertes (he should find him and apologize, except that he's still afraid to hurt him any further, and he feels ashamed of how he treated him). Crowley's entry makes him cringe -- he hadn't realized Claudius and Crowley were good friends. Does Claudius know that Laurel killed him? Laurel hasn't said anything yet -- it's one thing for Claudius to know him dangerous and another to know him a murderer, and whenever he tries to say the words I killed someone even to himself bile chokes his throat.
He doesn't know Sagramore, whose entry makes his face blaze with embarrassment and envy (he allows himself to imagine some of the things Claudius has written, and has to go stand in cold water until he can master himself). He accepted Claudius' words about not being all his without really understanding what that meant, and now that he does understand he thinks he hates it, but what right has he to go back on his agreement now? Still, he very dearly hopes he doesn't ever meet this Sagramore.
He saves the entry on himself for last, as if there will be some secret there that might change the world, but of course there isn't. He studies it, searching for some understanding of who Galahad is, but it doesn't come. He's grateful to have caught Claudius' attention, grateful to have stood out in some way. He understands that Galahad rejected Claudius, but he doesn't understand why. Something about purity that makes no sense. Something about the God Claudius spoke of. Something that itches in the back of his mind so close he thinks he could scratch it open if he tried, and yet--
In the end he puts the dossier away, feeling not much wiser for having read it.
For the next while, reading takes up much of his time when he's alone. He stays in Claudius' rooms, often wears his clothes, and ventures out only to make food for himself and gather more books. He's been naive, and he should understand more about the world. Perhaps he can read enough to do that. The library has endless choices -- books on fashion and fashionable clothing, cooking, histories of places he's never heard of, the mechanisms of the world and how they function, what math is, the lineage of animals, natural history, magic, ciphers like the ones Claudius inscribed in the pages of the dossier. Once he finds one that teaches how to understand expressions and body language, and he devours it, understanding that these things don't come naturally to him (even though he doesn't think himself much better at it after reading the book).
It's not a bad way to pass the time. Easy to make sure he doesn't cross Crowley's path this way, easy to avoid all the people he's afraid to hurt. He wants to look for Luo Binghe and learn more about the fire and what it means to be a demon, but Luo Binghe told him to master his emotions first, and he doesn't know how to so that. Perhaps there's a book with those answers too.
Perhaps there's a way he can read himself into understanding what his life will be, if he looks hard enough. Perhaps--
He keeps to himself, and reads.
