[closed post -- a readiness of things]

[onthewillowsthere]

Galahad has assumed a regular schedule of checking on Magnus -- the protein bars were dire, and Magnus deserves better food, to say nothing of the other pleasures of indoor life (changes of clothes, Ticket to Ride (the Europe version), updates from Claudius' Mansion gossip that seem like they're be interesting to Magnus and not so personal that Galahad would feel bad sharing them). He comes out to the woods daily now.

It's one of the coolest days they've had at the Mansion so far, and he has a long coat on over his clothes. Today's collection of needful things includes a book full of different waffle recipes, the spicy lamb Magnus conjured from the refrigerator on his first day, two bottles of Mountain Dew Code Red, and an assortment of jeweled barrettes that immediately made him think of Magnus' overlong hair.

Comments

[onthewillowsthere]

Galahad blinks. He feels so disconnected from his body sometimes, as if he'd been improperly tethered to it -- it's a jumble of inconvenient needs and unpleasant sensations he didn't ask for. Sometimes when he catches sight of himself in the mirror on Claudius' vanity he barely recognizes the face as his own.

He's always been a man, because that's what he is, what he was born, but when he tries to examine the feeling of being a man and whether it holds any weight for him, he feels little at all. It's like the fights, something with a preordained outcome he didn't choose and just has to accept, because he's meant to.

He tries to imagine being a woman, and that feels equally meaningless. He likes the way he's begun trying to be and feel beautiful, but that doesn't seem particularly womanly; beauty doesn't have anything to do with his gender.

"I don't know," he says at last.

[summerdude]

"I feel that," says Magnus. He doesn't know what Galahad is thinking, but the pause feels familiar. Like it's not something you spend a lot of time thinking about it, because you accept what you're told -- what you're told isn't wrong, after all, and you're stuck with it. But when you get permission to call it into question, you don't really know where to start, or where to end. Magnus is pretty sure he's probably a cis dude because he knows he's definitely not a trans woman, and he's certainly not genderfluid. A lot of what the nonbinary kids at the Chase Space have to say doesn't really ping for him, either. So... process of elimination! Works every time.

[onthewillowsthere]

He looks honestly relieved at the recognition in Magnus' tone. "Thank you," quietly.

[summerdude]

Magnus pats his shoulder. "You said almost twenty-two," he remembers, trusting that if Galahad still wants to talk about this -- gender, or whatever -- he'll say so. "When's your birthday?"

[onthewillowsthere]

"Epiphany. Thirty-six days."

[summerdude]

"I don't actually know when Epiphany is," Magnus admits. He hasn't been keeping as close a watch on the days as Galahad, either; it hasn't really been a habit of his for ten years. "Is that in December?"

[onthewillowsthere]

"January sixth. Three Kings Day?" He isn't sure that would be any more resonant to Magnus than Epiphany is, but sometimes people know the feast days by their lay names.

[summerdude]

"January sixth!" He nudges Galahad. "Mine's the thirteenth."

[onthewillowsthere]

He nudges back, with a tiny grin. "And you're older than me."

[summerdude]

"I guess," Magnus says. He really should have asked Galahad to help him pick an age from the start. "You were definitely born first, though. Hey, you ever think about how weird this place is?"

[onthewillowsthere]

A laugh. "Yes. Often."

[summerdude]

Magnus grins. "What do people do for birthdays, where you're from?"

[onthewillowsthere]

"Nothing. What do you do?"

[summerdude]

"Well, I die," Magnus laughs. He's had time to come to terms with it. "But when I was a kid, birthday parties were all the rage. When I was a teen, too, I guess; Hearth and Blitz stole some chocolate for me for my fifteenth and sang the song and everything."

[onthewillowsthere]

"There's a song?"

[summerdude]

"Oh yeah," Magnus says. He doesn't have much of a singing voice, but he makes a valiant effort to sing it for Galahad anyway.

[onthewillowsthere]

Galahad feels light, lighter than he's ever been in his life. Even when he was most happy with Percival, he was like a clenched hand, curled in on himself from the weight of his purpose. He was always conscious of God's intentions for him; he was never really free.

Now he listens to Magnus sing, their shoulders touching, the warmth from the fire not quite offsetting the cold in the air, and he's lost God's love, and he's so happy. He's happy to be here. With Magnus it's easy to speak, and his face and voice express the things he wants them to. Laughing is as easy as it was with Shen Yuan's remedy. There are things he's looking forward to -- the talent show, the dance -- things he wants to see happen: the time when he finally understands every subtle part of Claudius' expressions. There are things in the future that he wants more than he wants to die.

He doesn't want to die.

He can't remember a time when that wasn't what he was waiting for. Some days the longing might have been quieter and more subtle, but it was always there. He's always felt sad and crushingly tired, as if he had lost something he'd forgotten about but the grief remained. Now he feels-- it's better. It's not gone, but it's not like a whole millstone on his body. It feels like something he could live with.

He closes his eyes and nestles closer to Magnus' side.

[summerdude]

Magnus curls up against Galahad, automatically, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. He doesn't know what Galahad's thinking, but he can tell that he's in good humor. It is in the spirit of this good humor -- and the fact that Galahad has apparently never celebrated his birthday????! -- that has Magnus saying, "We could have a birthday party. If you want."

[onthewillowsthere]

"What is that like?" still smiling.

[summerdude]

"There's cake and presents and everyone is celebrating you," Magnus says. "I -- don't really remember the activities, I haven't had a real birthday party in over ten years; they're not really a thing in Valhalla. There's games and stuff? I hate being the center of attention, though, but if I have an actual age now... I think if we had a shared birthday party that would be really fun. Maybe at the midpoint? The ninth or the tenth. Or... whatever the equivalent is here." He still hasn't really figured out the calendar.

[onthewillowsthere]

Galahad doesn't like being the center of attention either, but he's also contemplating the fact that there probably wouldn't be very many people, and it would be shared like Magnus said, so it's probably all right. "That would be the beginning of Ordinary Time," he says thoughtfully. "The fast would be over. I could have cake."

[summerdude]

It's really called Ordinary Time? Christianity sounds whack. Magnus hides a smile. "Caaaaaaake," he says. "What's your favorite kind?"

[onthewillowsthere]

"I've never had it. Percival liked gingerbread."

[summerdude]

"Does Ordinary Time start right after, um, the Epiphany?" Magnus asks.

[onthewillowsthere]

"Ordinary Time starts on the first Monday after Epiphany and goes until Shrovetide."