[closed post -- a readiness of things]

[onthewillowsthere]

Galahad has assumed a regular schedule of checking on Magnus -- the protein bars were dire, and Magnus deserves better food, to say nothing of the other pleasures of indoor life (changes of clothes, Ticket to Ride (the Europe version), updates from Claudius' Mansion gossip that seem like they're be interesting to Magnus and not so personal that Galahad would feel bad sharing them). He comes out to the woods daily now.

It's one of the coolest days they've had at the Mansion so far, and he has a long coat on over his clothes. Today's collection of needful things includes a book full of different waffle recipes, the spicy lamb Magnus conjured from the refrigerator on his first day, two bottles of Mountain Dew Code Red, and an assortment of jeweled barrettes that immediately made him think of Magnus' overlong hair.

Comments

[summerdude]

Magnus slings an arm over Galahad's chest and gives him a quick little squeeze before leaning back so that he can sign. Do you want to talk about it?

[onthewillowsthere]

A long, thinking pause, and then he shakes his head. It doesn't seem right to share these things without Claudius knowing, even to Magnus, except-- He's not like us, he signs. He can be hurt. Bitten, to make the connection with the zombie attack, which he thinks Magnus will understand.

[summerdude]

Magnus nods. He gets that; he really does. He's frankly still not entirely sure whether Galahad is mortal or not -- from what he's heard of Galahad's prophesied purpose, it could honestly go either way. In Magnus's experience, people who enter into the heavens due to the intervention of some god have something going on. And what he assumes to be the usual tells of mortality aren't actually all that useful? He knows Galahad can be injured, physically, and that he's probably got something going on mentally, too, besides the burden placed upon him by his religion. Magnus can relate to both of those things, though, and he's not mortal. But being hurt when you're already dead -- being hurt when you were, frankly, designed to be some sort of weapon -- is different.

At least Alex is like Magnus. She's not mortal, either; unless one of them fades away (unlikely) or dies outside of Valhalla (much more likely), she'll be around until the end of the world. But Magnus knows that Samirah and Amir are already getting older. He can tell. He can see it when he looks at them: their bodies, their faces are changing as they shed their teens and enter into their twenties. Samirah is a capable fighter, for a currently-mortal valkyrie. Amir is just his handsome friend who runs his dad's falafel stand and is betrothed to Sam, and Magnus still spends considerable time hoping the guy is okay. Samirah will be granted entry into Valhalla once she dies, even if she's likely to reject it in favor of her true faith, but Amir doesn't even have that kind of guarantee. Magnus doesn't know what to do with the knowledge that he's going to be sixteen forever while all of his mortal friends age and die. It's something he's started to worry about here, too, actually: if he stays here with Jack to try and keep Ragnarok at bay, what happens if he's eventually the last one left?

But for all that he's pretty good at babbling through his thoughts, he's not sure how to say all this to Galahad: that the weight of being maybe-not-quite-mortal leads to unique burdens; that he knows what Galahad means even though he might feel it a little differently. He could tell Galahad that there are stories about Claudius in Magnus's time, and that from what he remembers, he's pretty sure Claudius makes it out okay? (Doesn't he end up as Queen Ophelia's advisor at the end?) He could tell Galahad that even people who he might expect to be more invincible can get hurt, too -- after all, Magnus did have to heal Galahad's stupid dad. But he doesn't know that either of those things are the right thing to say.

It sucks, he signs, with great feeling.

[onthewillowsthere]

Galahad nods just as emphatically and lets his arm fall across his eyes. He doesn't have to know exactly what it sucks means to get the feeling.

[summerdude]

"I think he'll be okay though," Magnus says, eventually -- out loud, since Galahad's not looking. "He's really smart, and you're learning medicine, and I can heal. And I think that --" He pauses, gathering his thoughts. All of his biggest worries are about things he can't control. Something occurs to him. "There's this prayer I heard of, back home? Not in Valhalla for any of the gods I know. I think it's for your god, actually. I learned it when I was homeless from some of the guys at one of the shelters. 'God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.'" It's been an okay fit for Magnus's own life -- he's already trying to change what he can to push Ragnarok back without, like, tilting at windmills or whatever -- and maybe it'll be handy for Galahad, too.

[onthewillowsthere]

He reaches out with his other arm and puts his hand on Magnus' knee, to let him know that he hears it and he appreciates it.

[summerdude]

Magnus waits, for a while, resting a hand on Galahad's and stroking lightly with his thumb, to see if there's anything else Galahad wants to get out. There's a question -- the eternal question -- bubbling up at the back of Magnus's mind, but he doesn't want to switch topics preemptively.

[onthewillowsthere]

"Thank you," he says finally, and uncovers his eyes to look at Magnus.

[summerdude]

"Yeah, of course," Magnus says. He's not entirely sure he was all that helpful, but he knows he'll always be there for his bud, and hopefully that's enough. A pause. "Hey, can I ask you a question?"

[onthewillowsthere]

"Yes."

[summerdude]

"How old are you?"

[onthewillowsthere]

"Twenty-one." Then he looks at the watch, at the time that's passing in it. "Almost twenty-two."

[summerdude]

Magnus nods -- that tracks. "I don't know how old I should be," he says.

[onthewillowsthere]

A pause, then: "Because you died?"

[summerdude]

"Yeah." He twists his head to look at Galahad. "I've been asking some of the older guys here what they think and nobody's given me identical answers. I died right after I turned sixteen, and I'm never going to look older than that. But it's been eight years."

[onthewillowsthere]

Galahad is looking at him too. "You're twenty-four."

[summerdude]

"You think so?" Magnus likes the decisive and clear-cut response. "Does it fit my vibe?"

[onthewillowsthere]

Perhaps it's because he's not very good with faces, but Galahad has never been enormously sure how old anyone is without some kind of clear guidance, and the mathematics of sixteen plus eight are satisfactorily clear. Magnus seems so much like Percival that he'd always thought they were close in age, and now he knows: a little older, but just a little. If that's what Magnus means by vibe, then-- "Yes," he says."

[summerdude]

"I like that a lot better than 'both' or 'neither' or 'I think only you can decide that for yourself, Magnus,'" Magnus admits. "In Valhalla age isn't that big a deal. Halfborn turned sixteen twelve hundred years ago. There's a bunch of einherjar who died in their seventies who are younger than my buddy TJ, who also looks sixteen. People care a lot more about your battle prowess than how you look or how long you've stuck around. But on Earth, and here, it seems to matter more. Pretty sure a lot of people just seem me as some dickhead kid." It doesn't really bother him unless he's being specifically treated badly because of it, and that hasn't really been a concern here.

[onthewillowsthere]

"At sixteen, you could be a knight already," quietly, although he doesn't want to imagine Magnus a knight -- they decided together, no more battles, and though he thinks Magnus would enjoy the part where he and Percival rode in the woods for days on their way to the next piece of the quest, it always ended in a fight that Galahad had no choice but to win. "You're a man, not a child." Then he tilts his head, as best he can while lying down. "Are you a man? Or something else, like Alex?"

[summerdude]

"Sixteen was definitely of age for the Vikings," Magnus nods. He's thoughtful as he ponders Galahad's question. For all that he sometimes wonders what it would be like, to not just be one thing his whole life, he's pretty sure he's a cis dude. "I'm definitely not like Alex. I don't think I'm anything else?" A pause, because he's also pretty sure he hasn't checked yet: "What about you?"

[onthewillowsthere]

Galahad blinks. He feels so disconnected from his body sometimes, as if he'd been improperly tethered to it -- it's a jumble of inconvenient needs and unpleasant sensations he didn't ask for. Sometimes when he catches sight of himself in the mirror on Claudius' vanity he barely recognizes the face as his own.

He's always been a man, because that's what he is, what he was born, but when he tries to examine the feeling of being a man and whether it holds any weight for him, he feels little at all. It's like the fights, something with a preordained outcome he didn't choose and just has to accept, because he's meant to.

He tries to imagine being a woman, and that feels equally meaningless. He likes the way he's begun trying to be and feel beautiful, but that doesn't seem particularly womanly; beauty doesn't have anything to do with his gender.

"I don't know," he says at last.

[summerdude]

"I feel that," says Magnus. He doesn't know what Galahad is thinking, but the pause feels familiar. Like it's not something you spend a lot of time thinking about it, because you accept what you're told -- what you're told isn't wrong, after all, and you're stuck with it. But when you get permission to call it into question, you don't really know where to start, or where to end. Magnus is pretty sure he's probably a cis dude because he knows he's definitely not a trans woman, and he's certainly not genderfluid. A lot of what the nonbinary kids at the Chase Space have to say doesn't really ping for him, either. So... process of elimination! Works every time.

[onthewillowsthere]

He looks honestly relieved at the recognition in Magnus' tone. "Thank you," quietly.

[summerdude]

Magnus pats his shoulder. "You said almost twenty-two," he remembers, trusting that if Galahad still wants to talk about this -- gender, or whatever -- he'll say so. "When's your birthday?"